Shaquille O’Neal’s retirement press conference brings the laughs

Obviously Shaquille O'Neal's cheerful retirement announcement, provided on Wednesday, wasn't enough. The larger-than-life former MVP and four-time NBA champion had to go out with a bigger microphone in front of him, and Friday's retirement press conference provided the stage he deserved. Speaking from his home in Orlando, O'Neal delivered in a hilarious turn,�retiring all his former nicknames while taking a funny (if completely petty and unnecessary) shot at Orlando Magic All-Star Dwight Howard.

Howard, who grew up idolizing O'Neal, turned into a combatant for the retiring star in his later years due mainly to Shaquille's insecurity at being usurped as the biggest bad guy around. Howard's biggest indiscretion, in Shaq's eyes, was taking on the "Superman" persona that O'Neal championed during his time in Orlando, and initial years with the Los Angeles Lakers, long before he decided to award himself several other nicknames.

At the end of the press conference, O'Neal touched on both aspects:

"In light of today, I am retiring all my nicknames. The Big Aristotle, Shaq-Fu, The Big Shamrock, The Big Cactus, The Diesel, and finally, the one and only, original, never to be duplicated or replicated … Superman.

"From now on, you can call me The Big AARP. Association for the Advancements of Retired Persons."

It's actually the American Association of Retired Persons, but who gives a rip when everyone in the room is laughing?

O'Neal's quick delivery and pointed wit fell right in line with an NBA career that started nearly 19 years ago. Not only did he pile up the All-Star appearances and high-percentage shots, but O'Neal also made every media interaction ("I have really enjoyed my relationship with the media," Shaq pointed out at the news conference) interesting, no matter his mood. Friday's delivery was no different.

Disarming as ever, the 53 percent career free-throw shooter relayed that he's "really going to miss the free throws," before letting the assembled media know that "I've acted in award-winning movies such as 'Kazaam,'" which is just about the best shot at a movie by the lead actor in a movie since the time Eddie Murphy announced on "Saturday Night Live" that "'Best Defense' sucked."

Don't weep for The Big AARP just yet, though. He ended his presser with one final promise:

"I do plan on entertaining you for the next 19 years. Whether it's TNT, ESPN, CNN; whoever wants to hire me, my offices open up on Monday."

How many words per minute do you type, Shaq? Any interest in a BDL byline? We're terrible at free throws, too.

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